


since I've come on home

by gettingby



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Simon POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26126980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gettingby/pseuds/gettingby
Summary: The truth was buried so deep, in a place I didn’t have the time or energy to understand —Except now I do.I’m not at Watford anymore. I’m not in care. I’m going to Uni, and I live with Penny now. The Humdrum is gone, Agatha’s in California - I’ve got nothing but time.And for some incomprehensible reason, I spend all of it thinking about Baz.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 16
Kudos: 211





	since I've come on home

There’s a twisting in the pit of my stomach.

It’s the gnawing, all-consuming hunger I felt when I was in care. I used to think about Baz so much over the summer. I never let myself think of anything else from Watford, but I made an exception for him. I told myself that it was because Baz wasn’t a good thing about Watford, so I could let myself think about him and not miss it too much.

That was all lies. The truth was buried so deep beneath them, in a place I didn’t have the time or energy to understand —

Except now I do.

I’m not at Watford anymore. I’m not in care. I’m going to Uni, and I live with Penny now. The Humdrum is gone, Agatha’s in California - I’ve got nothing but time.

And for some incomprehensible reason, I spend all of it thinking about Baz.

I miss him so much. I think the only way I survived it before was because I knew that he’d be back in my room at summer’s end. Some years, even sharing a room with him and sleeping next to him wasn’t enough. I had to follow him everywhere.

Eighth year was especially horrible. When he didn’t come back for a month, I went mad. That summer I missed him more intensely than before. I’d expected it to go away, because I’d expected him to come _back_. 

He did come back, in the end. Penny and I defeated the Humdrum, and the Mage tried to kill me. Baz appeared at the last moment, and told the Mage that he knew that he’d killed Baz’s mum. Then Mage confessed to everything and tried to kill Baz and —

Well. I don’t remember the rest. My psychologist tells me that I might never remember, but that I remember the feelings and I need to process them. (I’m still working on that.)

I do know that I said something and everything exploded around me. When the dust settled, the Mage was dead.

That’s the last time I saw Baz. I didn’t come back to Watford, and neither did Penny. I know he gave the Leavers’ speech. I mean, I knew he’d come first in the class, but Mrs. Bunce told me about it too. He talked about his mum and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room.

I wish I could have been there, to see him being soft like that.

I’m a Normal now - or as good as, except for the wings and tail that Penny spells away for me every morning. But I go to Uni and I have Normal friends, and I’m getting used to it. Being this in-between creature.

I’ve learned a lot. And one of the things I’ve learned is that when you don’t go to a magic school anymore, when you aren’t the Chosen One fighting the greatest threat to the World of Mages, and when a bloke’s not your arch-nemesis anymore…

Well. It’s a bit strange to still be obsessed.

***

My friends all think I’m in love with Baz.

I don’t agree, obviously, and neither does Penny. (Well, she actually refuses to answer the question.) You can’t exactly explain the whole situation to your Normal friends, can you? I guess without any of the context it might seem that way.

I’ve gotten used to it. At least because they think I’m in love with Baz, they let me talk about him.

I’m on my fifteen-minute lunch break at Asda, having a jolly time telling Megha a story about us from sixth year, when Lucas bursts in.

“Hasn’t your shift just started?” Megha asks him.

“Yes.” He looks sweaty. “But I had to talk to Simon.”

I’m on my feet immediately - side effect of being at war my whole life. He waves his hands and says “Sorry - nothing’s wrong, Simon. It’s just, y’know how my girlfriend goes to LSE?”

“Yeah?”

“She’s always doing these group projects. She hates them - but anyway. She’s telling me about her partner this time, right? She’s at war with him about something or the other with her presentation and she slips his name in, and guess what it is?”

“Um.” Lucas has always been a bit of a character, but I’m really having trouble following.

I guess it’s not that hard to figure out though, because Megha has grabbed my arm and is bouncing in her chair. “Oh my god, oh my god, Lucas, are you serious?”

I hate feeling like I’m the only one left out of a secret. I mean, that was most of my life, but I still hate it. “Who the fuck is it? The royal baby?”

“Close.” Lucas smiles like the Cheshire Cat. “Basilton Pitch.”

I drop my sandwich on the ground.

I try not to think about it for the rest of my shift, but it’s hard - made harder by the fact that I’m starving. Megha threw away my sandwich (“It has mud on it, Simon - this is an Asda, just buy something.”) (I refused because I was angry with her, and as I struggle not to rip open the packets of crisps I’m shelving, I massively regret it.)

Baz Pitch is in London. Not at Oxford or Cambridge but at LSE, here, in London, just a Tube ride away.

Millions of people live in London, so it shouldn’t feel like a cosmic occurrence. But it _does_. Especially since Lucas told me that he’s going to watch his girlfriend’s presentation tomorrow evening, her presentation with Baz.

(The idea of Baz spending all that time with Lucas’ girlfriend puts me on edge. Which doesn’t make sense, because even Lucas doesn’t care...)

Lucas invited me along. I said I’d think about it, but what I meant is that I asked Penny what she thought about it. She’s the good half of my brain.

“Simon,” she says too kindly when I tell her. “Of course I’ll come with you.”

It’s the first time since the beginning of fifth year that she’s agreed to stalk Baz. I think she’s just happy I’m leaving the flat for something other than class or work.

Normally I hate when Penny feels sorry for me, but this time I’m letting it go.

***

“Simon, let me in.”

I roll over in bed, groaning at Penny's insistent knocking. I grab a t-shirt and trackie bottoms and pull them on. “Come in, Pen.”

She holds up her ring and waits for me to nod my permission before spelling my wings away.

“Simon, I’m here to dress you.”

“At eight AM?”

“We’re going straight to LSE after classes - I need to _now_ , before I leave for school.”

I don’t think I have to dress up just to watch a presentation, but I take Penny’s help gladly. I thought it would be nice to dress myself for the first time after Watford, but it’s actually been overwhelming. Not that Penny has much of an idea of how to dress either - she just bought a bunch of skirts in different colours that look the same as her school skirt.

(It’s times like these that I miss Agatha.)

Penny grabs the pair of jeans that she told me to wear the last time I went on a date. They were tight, but the girl complimented me on them, so they must have looked alright. 

(Amanda. She was pretty - looked a bit like Agatha - and nice. But I never asked her out again.)

I’ve not got much in the way of shirts, but Penny scrounges up a t-shirt without any writing or holes in it. (Most of my shirts have holes, because of my fucking wings.) She turns around while I change.

“Okay, how do I look?” I ask once I’m decent.

She grins. “Lovely.”

I’m antsy through all of my classes. I drum nervously on my desk all through Chemistry, and the guy sitting in front of me turns around to glare. (He’s really good-looking - and gay, I think - but he’s such a dick.) (Sometimes I’m extra annoying on purpose, just to piss him off.)

That’s something else I’ve figured out since leaving Watford - that I like guys, too. It’s probably why my friends think that I’m carrying a torch for Baz.

Baz is much more attractive than the man sitting in front of me, but his personality is significantly worse, and that’s saying something. 

Maybe I should ask this guy out. At least he’s never pushed me down the stairs. (I need higher standards.)

Penny meets me outside my last lecture of the day. We catch the 59, and she studies me carefully from across the aisle.

“What?” I ask, squirming under her gaze.

“Don’t be nervous.”

“Why would I be nervous?”

“Because you’re seeing Baz?”

I frown. Seeing Baz doesn’t make me nervous. It’s _not_ seeing him that does that. I ignore Penny. Instead I grip the handrail harder and stare out the window.

I don’t have to ignore Penny for long. It’s only ten minutes from the place I spend my days to the place Baz does. (It still feels far to me. It used to be four feet.)

Lucas meets us by the bus stop. I freeze when he introduces his girlfriend Abby - I guess I expected that she’d already be in the classroom, preparing or something.

“Baz isn’t here,” Abby assures me. “He’s in charge of loading the PowerPoint onto the class computer.” She rolls her eyes. “He doesn’t trust anyone else to do it.”

I laugh, even as Lucas nudges her. “Hey, we’re being nice about Simon’s crush.”

“He’s not my crush,” I say reflexively, but there’s not a lot of heat behind it. Penny snorts, and I’m not sure if it’s at me or them.

My hands shake as we approach the building. Lucas kisses his girlfriend good luck and I’m suddenly nauseous - not because of the kissing, but because the presentations are starting.

There’s a few pairs that present before Baz and Abby. Penny makes me put away my phone, so I just stare into the crowd and try to pick Baz out in it. I never had to try very hard to spot him at Watford, but there are more people in this hall than there were in our whole year.

I wonder if he’s nervous. 

I wouldn’t be, if I were him. He’s going to be brilliant. I don’t even know what these presentations are about, and I don’t really care, but people would pay to hear Baz read film credits.

When he finally walks up to the podium, my heart skips a beat.

He’s wearing a suit. I should have expected that, because everybody else who’s presenting is wearing one too, and also it’s Baz. But everybody else is wearing a boring suit - black or grey or navy. Baz’s suit is maroon, and covered in hundreds of tiny flowers.

He’s got his hair tied up like he used to do for football, but the pieces near his face are loose so I can tell that his hair is longer. He probably hasn’t cut it since Watford, because it’s skimming his collarbone now.

Then he starts speaking.

He’s wearing a microphone, and I can hear his voice as clearly as if he were sitting next to me. It’s familiar and not at the same time.

I guess I’ve imagined his voice so often that I kind of mixed it up, and I’m angry at myself for overwriting this memory. His voice is smooth as chocolate and deeper than mine. His accent is still posh as royalty. He sounds confident.

I can tell he’s anxious, though.

I can tell because I know the lines of his face as well as my own - high, crooked nose, down turned puppy eyes, and a pouty mouth. Still, I’ve forgotten the details, ones I took for granted when I saw him every day. 

Like the glint in his eyes when he gets especially passionate, and the predatory twist of his mouth when he knows he’s done something perfectly.

Baz and Abby finish their presentation and polite applause fills the hall. Penny squeezes my shoulder and whispers, “Okay, Simon?”

“Yeah.” I swallow. “Don’t think he’s plotting anything.”

I didn’t really think past this point. I thought I’d see Baz again and - what? Get some kind of closure?

I thought it would be like a song that’s stuck in your head. You keep repeating it over and over in your mind, and you’ve got to finally listen to it before it goes away.

It didn’t work. He’s more in my head than ever. 

I follow Penny and Lucas out of the hall. And he’s right there - huddled with Abby, his blazer slung over one arm. Abby sees us first - she smiles and waves us over.

He looks even better up close. He’s even fitter than he was at Watford - he’s grown into his nose and his body’s filled out a bit. He carries himself with more ease.

I silence the voice in my head that tells me that he’s only gotten better while I’ve gotten worse.

He looks up. And Merlin and Morgana, his _eyes_ -

He doesn’t look surprised to see me. I realise Abby must have told him that I was coming, and maybe even asked for his permission.

Did he agree to this? What does he think I’m doing here?

What _am_ I doing here?

“Snow,” he drawls, cool as anything. It pisses me off. I’m a sweaty, trembling mess, and he’s acting like this is perfectly normal? Like it doesn’t knock him off balance to see his sworn enemy here - when we parted a year ago in the White Chapel with the understanding that we’d never meet again?

I want to wreck his composure. I know it’s a facade; it must be. I’ve always been able to set him off, despite his good breeding and upper-class restraint.

The alternative is too awful to consider. That I can’t rile him up anymore, because I’m just a distant memory - a failed Chosen One, a magicless mage, and an old roommate quickly forgotten.

“Baz,” I say. I don’t bother trying to moderate myself like he did. It comes out hot and broken.

“Simon,” he answers, and I can’t even focus on the fact that he called me Simon, because his voice cracks, just a bit. That’s all I need.

He steps forward just as I reach for his belt loops, and then we’re kissing.

It’s not comfortable. His notes are crumpling between us, and his blazer’s still draped over his arm, so he’s holding it away from us awkwardly.

I couldn’t care less.

Kissing Baz feels like the end of summer. Like the chill of the tile floor of our room against my bare feet, and the give of my overstuffed mattress, and the warmth of the sun as it streams through our window.

My senses are filled with the scent of cedar and bergamot and with the taste of him, rich and surprising. It feels like coming home and a fresh start, all at the same time.

Baz pulls away only when Penny clears her throat. I chase his mouth, and he laughs softly through his nose.

He’s smiling. It changes his entire face - he looks younger and warmer.

I’m grinning too, but I probably just look like a maniac.

“Alright, we’re going to head home,” I hear Penny say deliberately.

I don’t even turn around - I just wave in the direction her voice is coming from. I try to, I swear, but my eyes are making up for all the time they’ve wasted _not_ staring at Baz.

As much as I tried to deny it to everyone in my life, I knew that I was attracted to Baz. I knew that I liked him - not just physically, but because he’s strong and brilliant and terrifying, and if anyone knows everything about me, even the worst parts, it’s him.

But it’s more than that, isn’t it?

I’m in love with Baz. I think I have been since at least fifth year. Since he started pulling away, once he had something - his vampirism - that was his burden to bear alone. I’d always been a huge part of his life, and it was unbearable to watch him disappear.

We were enemies, yes. Baz might _still_ hate me, though from the way he’s looking at me, it seems unlikely. But I don’t hate him. I’m not even jealous of him, like I thought I all those times when I couldn’t stop looking at him and thinking about him. I just _want_ him. I don’t want to let him out of my sight now that I’ve finally got him here, in my arms.

As if he can read my mind - can vampires read minds? - he whispers, “You’re never getting rid of me, Snow.”

I try to hold it in, I really do. I tell myself that it’s too much too soon - I need to take him dates and woo him (Baz seems like he’d want to be wooed) before I drop this bombshell.

But now that I know, it’s bursting out of me. So I say it.

_I love you, Baz. I’m in love with you._

He looks elated. Maybe it wasn’t too soon after all. Maybe it’s actually sort of late.

We buy a curry that he doesn’t eat, and lay in the park for hours and hours. I say all the things I’ve been saving up. It feels good, like a weight off my chest. And he says the loveliest things I’ve ever heard. Things that made me feel like I matter, for maybe the first time in my entire life.

We go back to his flat with Fiona - she’s blessedly not home.

Laying in Baz's bed with him in my arms, I feel like I have magic again. I’m brimming with more feelings than I can contain. Whenever I think I might go off, I take Baz’s face in my hands and push all of the excess into him through my lips.

He takes it, every drop. That’s the only reason I haven’t exploded from everything that’s happened tonight.

“I thought you were going to Oxford,” I whisper before we fall asleep. 

“I considered it. But I wanted to stay in London.” His voice wavers. “I...couldn’t bear to be so far away from you.”

“You don’t have to be, ever again,” I promise.

*** 

Penny calls me three days later.

“I know you’re alive, because Lucas said you went to work. But I wanted to check that Baz hasn’t trapped you in his vampire lair forever.”

“I’ll come home soon,” I tell her. 

Maybe not that soon. We’ve got a lot of time to make up for.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! I've had writer's block recently so I just wanted to get anything out, even if it's mostly plot-less and fluffy. would love to hear your thoughts :)
> 
> also, I made a tumblr (im-gettingby) - give me a follow and I'll follow back!


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